The Beaver Whisperer and the Oral Obstacle

Q: I am not able to orgasm from receiving head.  I enjoy it immensely, but am unable to cum from tongue action alone. My partners in the past become frustrated with this inability of mine and have put the deed on the “never again list.” I tell them I really enjoy it, but because of the lack of a explosive ending I get denied. What can I say or do to have cunnilingus back in my sex life?

A: I am so sorry for the way that you’ve been treated by your not-quite-up-to-standard butches! You have my sympathy. Any butch worth the title (any dyke, or really, even any sexually active human) ought to realize that we don’t all get off the same way. In fact, sometimes our favorite acts never lead directly to orgasm.

Most women need direct clitoral stimulation in order to reach orgasm, but just because we’ve had this drilled into our heads by every venue from MTV’s Loveline (am I dating myself?) and its corresponding radio show to the longstanding sex advice columnist extraordinaire (of both print and podcast fame) Dan Savage, doesn’t mean that every woman will get off through clitoral stimulation or through clitoral stimulation alone.

Here are a few different cunnilinguistic scenarios to share with your butches if they haven’t tried them in the past. (And I invite all of our readers to add ideas of your own in the comments!)

Oral Sex Tips

1. Tongue Fucking: Instead of focusing solely on the clitoris, fuck the vaginal canal with your tongue, literally. Push your tongue inside as far as it will go and repeat, indefinitely. For many people, this is actually more psychological than it is much of a physical sensation, but you’ll often need your mind in the right place in order to reach orgasm.

2. Suck Her Cock, er, Clit: Instead of just flicking or circling your tongue against or around the clitoris, suck the whole thing into your mouth and go at it the same way you want your femme to suck your cock. Butches tend to love this, BTW, but a lot of femmes get off on it, too.

3. Combo Clit Vaginal Moan, er, Orgasm: Fuck your femme with your fingers (as many as she likes) while you are enthusiastically licking, flicking, circling, or sucking her clitoris with your tongue. Find the tongue motion that she likes, then add finger fucking.

What does make you orgasm? Choose any of those activities and then have your butch do them while going down on you. You’ll orgasm while getting head, which is what she seems to want, and you’ll get head and an orgasm, even though the head is not directly causing the orgasm.

If you’re stuck in the position where your butch has already put cunnilingus on the “never again” list and thus don’t know how to get her to try any of my (and hopefully our) helpful suggestions, stick to your guns. There is no excuse for not going down on your girl, whether she cums from it or not. Tell your butch I said so. Tell her what you want in bed, and expect to get it. You can also offer a trade. Choose an act that she wants that you’re not that into, and offer her a swap. If there aren’t any that you’re not into (you fantastic femme, you!), choose her favorite and offer her the trade. I can’t imagine a butch (who is worth your time) who wouldn’t comply.

I wish you many happy orgasms and much luck on your cunnilinguistic journey!

The Beaver Whisperer

5 thoughts on “The Beaver Whisperer and the Oral Obstacle

  1. What happened to doing something for your partner just because she enjoys it? Anyone who says, “I’m not doing that unless it makes you cum.” is kind of missing the point!
    Maybe they don’t have confidence in their skills as a lover and are blaming you rather than admitting their ‘technique’ might be lacking in some way. As well as the suggestions already made above, I would suggest you point them in the direction of ‘The Whole Lesbian Sex Book’ by Felice Newman.

  2. Wow, that isn’t the tack I would take at all. Yes, there are techniques that might make oral sex more likely to lead to orgasm, but if you just don’t come from it, you just don’t come from it. More central, it seems to me, is a partner’s refusal to do something that you love just because it doesn’t cause the exact response they want. That withholding would be more important to me than my partner’s technique (it didn’t seem like the question was “How can I help my partner get me off with oral sex?” but “How can I convince my partner not to withhold oral sex just because I don’t get off on it?”) I’d try talking to my partner about why I love it and want it, and ask why they aren’t willing to do something I love, and they were previously into doing, just because it won’t cause an orgasm. I’d probably point out other things we like to do together that don’t directly cause either of our orgasms — nipple stimulation? stripteases? knife play? kissing? spanking? whatever it is that’s part of your sex but not the orgasm part — and ask how it’s different that we do those things for each other, as foreplay or just as mutually enjoyable activities, and why oral sex can’t be one of those things. Some reassuring my partner that it wasn’t their lack of skills, but the way my body worked, might also be in order.

    • V, I’m sorry if there was a misunderstanding, but I agree completely that it is quite ok to not orgasm via cunnilingus! While I offered some suggestions on how to possibly make the oral sex and orgasm happen together, that is by no means a requirement! The last paragraph was about negotiating for a desired activity with a partner who is reluctant, regardless of whether orgasm occurs or not!

      Your suggestion of communication is a great one, but alas, it was one that our querent had already tried.

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