The Beaver Whisperer and the Down South Dilemma

Q: I’ve never gone down on a girl. I want to. How can I get my partner to open up to the idea of it? I’d start heading south, and she’d make me detour north. I tried talking to her about it, and she just said she didn’t want to. I, of course, respected her wishes because consent is sexy…but I feel like I’m missing out.


A: Dear Lori,

Going down on a girl is a joy that no dyke should be left out of. However, there is the rare girl that doesn’t want it for one reason or another. In truth, you kind of have to respect your girl’s wishes. That said, there are alternative tactics depending on your situation.

  • Is your girl as inexperienced as you are? She may just be nervous and need more time before she’s ready to try that particular activity. Does she go down on you? If not, she might be nervous or scared about what will be expected of her if she lets you go down on her. She may not be ready to reciprocate, or she may be afraid that she won’t know what to do once she’s presented with your cunt in front of her face.
  • Is your girl a victim of sexual abuse or assault? This may be a triggering activity for her and not something that she’ll ever allow you to do.
  • Does your girl allow you to touch her cunt with your fingers? If not, she may be stone or mostly stone and simply not want contact there at all.
  • Some girls far prefer “giving” over “receiving.” I put those words in quotes because really, giving is receiving in this case. It’s what you want! Sometimes, a little twist on words in that way can be all someone needs in order to allow you to do what you want. If she’s the type that just wants to make you happy, she might feel like she’s being selfish by having you go down on her. Explain that it’s your desire and this type of girl might let you go for it. She needs to know that by spreading her legs, she’s doing what you want and actively doing something to make you happy.
  • She may have negative associations. During the course of my research, I discovered a girl who feels that “a big wet thing down there messing around” feels like a cat’s tongue licking her finger. Since she’s not into bestiality, she’s also not into cunnilingus. She feels it is some sort of phobia*. I agree.
  • She might feel dirty. If she’s had a hard day at work and it’s been 16 hours since her last shower, she might be embarrassed to have you down there. Try asking her to take a shower with you, and then try it either in the shower or just after.
  • Shocking, I know, but some girls just don’t like it. My theory is that such girls have only ever had it done badly and thus just think that they don’t like it, but they’d probably disagree. There are also some girls who have even had the best (moi, of course) and still don’t like it. Sensations feel different to different bodies, and some of us are wired a little funny.
  • Does your girl have body issues? She might think that she doesn’t look good “down there” or that her thighs are fat or some other such nonsense. Lots of “You’re so hot, you make me so wet. I want you to come all over my face.” dirty talk might solve this problem.
  • There exists the notion, amongst some lesbians, that cunnilingus is a particularly intimate activity and should thus be reserved for after really getting to know someone or falling in love, as opposed to, you know, fucking on the first date (which apparently doesn’t always include oral sex). If your girl is one of these, you just have to wait it out until she feels the feelings that she needs to feel (and maybe until you’ve expressed the endearments that she needs to hear) to allow you to go down on her.

My best advice, however, is to keep talking. You won’t have to do so much guessing if you can get her to tell you what’s up. If all else fails, in vino veritas. Get her tipsy and then talk about it. She might open up a bit more than she otherwise would. You don’t need to remind her of the things that she’s said later. She may have just been too embarrassed to talk about it the whole time, but at least you’ll know what’s going on and what tactics, if any, will work for your situation.

Good luck and best wishes for your journey south!

The Beaver Whisperer

* a phobia being an irrational aversion or fear


7 thoughts on “The Beaver Whisperer and the Down South Dilemma

  1. Great advice! Personally, before I was married, I only let someone go down south if we were in a serious, monogamous relationship. Maybe that’s part of it? Good luck Lori!

  2. She also may be afraid that she will not be able to cum from cunnilingus and is afraid that this will displease or make you think she is not enjoying you actions. Personally, I have an extremely hard time from achieving an orgasm from my partners mouth even though they are wonderful at it. Make sure to communicate that you are not expecting a certain result, it takes of pressure off her.

    • Excellent point, Love. She may be a variation of the last type I discussed, in which case you just have to put in the time before you bring it up again.

  3. I’m one of those women who’s not a huge fan of being the receptive partner during oral sex. Historically, I found it passive, too wet in a way that didn’t work for me, and it was something that was unlikely to get me off. But the act has become such a sexual totem that many people will jump to the conclusion that there’s something wrong with you, physically or psychologically, if you don’t like it — that not liking it means you must not like your own body, or have trust issues, or not like sex. Now, for some people, those things might be true, but it’s interesting that oral sex — unlike so many other sex acts — has left the realm of personal taste and become a litmus test for so many people. It took me a long time to just own the fact that I didn’t like it and that there wasn’t anything wrong with that.

    However, I have a partner who *loves* going down on me and feels really deprived when she can’t. We have a relationship where power exchange is part of our dynamic, and we’ve managed to make this part of it — she can go down on me, but only if I’m (physically) on top. I’ve found that this cuts down on the too-wet problem, and it also means that I can literally, physically pull away if the sensation isn’t something I like. Which, interestingly, is a great way to guide my partner into doing things I *do* like without constant ‘yes…, not that, yes, no, to the left!” chatter, which takes me out of the moment.

    • Excellent suggestion, Lily!

      Lori, give us an update when you know more about what’s going on with your girl!

  4. Because I have the World’s Smallest Bladder, I worry a LOT when people are going down on me that I’m going to taste or smell like urine. Supposedly this isn’t a problem if you wipe well, but… for me it is, unless I use an utter ton of Wet Wipes that make me nasty down there in other ways. If I don’t, if it hasn’t been long enough since I’ve peed — and since I have Tiny Bladder, I need to pee before sex, or it’s going to get annoyingly interrupted — I know I’m going to taste or smell like urine. I just can’t cope with the thought of doing that to a partner.

    I don’t know how to get past this problem, either, other than to very, very carefully schedule cunnilingus in the order of activities.

    • TJ, has a partner ever told you that taste or smell like urine? I also generally go to the bathroom right before sex, and I’ve never had this problem. I think it may be paranoia more than anything else. Sex in the shower does solve this problem, as you can wash the area well between going to the bathroom and cunnilingus.

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