Can you feel that, dear readers? That electricity in the air? That sense of magic and wonderment all around you? Do you somehow feel even gayer than usual, you big ‘mos? It’s all because of five wonderful letters: P.R.I.D.E.
That’s right, bois and grrrls, it’s Gay Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanza/Festivus/New Year/Your Birthday, AKA Pride Month! Even President Obama is totally stoked. Over in my neck of the queer woods, Pride Week is next week, and I’ve already started mentally and physically training for all the debauchery to come. I have purchased several new outfits, both for myself and for the GF (note: look for a totally chic post about butch-femme fashion next week!), attempted to ingest more booze than I typically do (which is roughly two drinks for this embarrassing lightweight), got a fresh new ‘cut (plug for my favorite queer-friendly hair salon), and listened to every new Lady Gaga single no fewer that 550 times each. I’M SO READY FOR THIS SHIT, Y’ALL (I WAS BORN READY).
As fun and awesome and exhausting as Pride may be, it can also be, well, a bit stressful. You see, whenever you get a bunch of lezzies in one place, there is a sort of chemical reaction. This can best be explained by the following equation:
[(lesbos x alcoholic beverages) / ex-GFs] x loud house music = DRAMA
Yes, we dykes emit drama the way that cows emit methane (OUT THE ASS). Combine that with the crowds, noise, terrified tourists, and general chaos, and Pride can quickly turn into a giant, Jersey Shore-esque brawl, except with more tattoos and fewer hair products. Never fear, my huddled masses yearning to breathe free the smell of lube, Red Bull, and regret: Buzz Cuts and Bustiers is here to help with an easy-to-read (because drunk people have a hard time reading stuff) Guide to a Drama-Free Pride.
Make a Ga(y)me Plan: There will be about a thousand events happening at the same time on any given day that week, so you’ll need to prioritize. Me, I put all my Gaypointments in my Droid, so I’ll always know where I need to be, when, and how many dollars bills I should carry. Make sure to pencil in some time for basic bodily functions, such as sleeping, eating, and reapplying body glitter. Agree on a meeting place with your friends, because you know how unreliable they are and at least one of them is bound to lose his/her/hir phone. Study up on your hanky code to avoid accidentally flagging as a bottom cub military fetishist who’s into cigars and armpit play (unless that’s what you are, in which case, werq it).
Dress To Impress (And Later, Undress): You know how they say that looking good is the best revenge? Well, this is your chance to take revenge against every ex, ex’s GF, ex’s GF’s ex-GF, and OKC user who didn’t respond to your witty and carefully crafted messages. Wear your sharpest tie, your tightest top, your shortest skirt, your baggiest jeans, your jauntiest hat. Swagger, flirt, flash a devious grin or a suggestive wink. Be fucking sexy. When you know you look good, you feel good, and you’ll be so above any pettiness from “the haters.” (Do the kids still say “haters?” Somebody, please tell me.) This leads directly into:
Don’t Skip Stuff Just Because Your Ex(s) Will Be There: Pride comes but once a year; get as much of it in (heh) as you can. Even if Facebook tells you that every person you’ve ever knocked boots with will be at that fun-sounding Ladies Night Block Party Parade Festival Drag Show, STILL GO. If you don’t, you’ll just spend the other 51 weeks of the long, empty year wishing that you did. Also, there will be a lot of people there, promise. It’ll be easy to avoid someone. If you absolutely need to, you can hide Scooby Doo-style behind a potted plant or a keg or one of those Harley Davidson dykes on bikes.
That Little Packet of White Stuff That You Caught During the Parade Is Not Lotion: That is all.
Bring Water, You Friggin’ Lush: The human body is 60% water, and no, vodka doesn’t count just because it’s clear. Gyrating on top of giant pink dildo-shaped floats is a very easy way to get dehydrated and the odds of hooking up with the cute EMT who shows up to bring your wasted ass to the ER are slim. Sloppy isn’t sexy, people.
Take Lots of Pictures: All kidding aside, Pride is a really wonderful, life-affirming time to be queer, and you’ll want to remember it for years to come (or until next year). Also, you’ll want to be able to go back and tag all your buddies in embarrassing photographic reminders of their questionable choices. That’s what friends are for.
HAPPY PRIDE TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!