A: How can I get more dirty talk from my femme?

B: There is really only one answer to this question: ask her. Be aware, though, that there are a multitude of reasons why some people aren’t able to produce dirty talk during sex. If you’re lucky, though, all your femme needs is a little desire and some permission. Once she knows you want it, she’ll be all over it, and you.

If your femme is of the more reluctant persuasion, you can try to model the dirty talk that you want to hear from her. At first, just try to get her to answer in the affirmative to dirty questions that you can give her.  You can progress to getting her to repeat things that you say. From there, you can give her more open-ended dirty questions and hope to hear the dirty responses that you crave. After all of this, if it’s in her to do it, your femme will be better prepared to talk dirty for you all night long. Good luck!

Q: How can a butch approach a femme about anal sex?

A: Anal sex is one of those things that usually has people at either extreme. Girls love it or they hate it, but almost no one is ambivalent about it.

Like all situations involving a new sexual activity, the easiest way to find out if you can try something new is to ask. You could just ask her if she wants to try anal with you. If you fear a look of shock and disgust in response, you could try a slower and more nonverbal method. Next time you and your femme are naked and happy together, touch her ass more than usual. Be very conscious as you do this and gauge her response. If she likes what you’re doing, go closer to her anus. As long as she’s enjoying what’s happening, you can bring yourself all the way to touching but not entering her anus. Make sure she knows how hot you think this is. Tell her exactly how hot you think this is. Feel free to even express your desires about further anal activity.

One possibility is that this is exactly what she’s been waiting to hear and she’ll encourage you right away. Another possibility is that she’s going to enjoy what is happening while trying to pretend that she didn’t hear that. In the case of the latter, don’t push it. After you’ve both enjoyed your orgasms and are calm and relaxed, you can bring it up again. This is a less threatening scenario, because no one is trying to get off. You can tell her again how hot you thought playing with her ass was and how much you would like to try anal sex with her. Listen to what she has to say. If she has fears, listen to her, acknowledge her fears, and address them if you can. Hopefully, the combination of liking what was done so far and knowing how much you want it will lead your lady to enter the well-lubed world of anal sex with you. Good luck!

Q: I’ve never gone down on a girl. I want to. How can I get my partner to open up to the idea of it? I’d start heading south, and she’d make me detour north. I tried talking to her about it, and she just said she didn’t want to. I, of course, respected her wishes because consent is sexy…but I feel like I’m missing out.

Lori

A: Dear Lori,

Going down on a girl is a joy that no dyke should be left out of. However, there is the rare girl that doesn’t want it for one reason or another. In truth, you kind of have to respect your girl’s wishes. That said, there are alternative tactics depending on your situation.

• Is your girl as inexperienced as you are? She may just be nervous and need more time before she’s ready to try that particular activity. Does she go down on you? If not, she might be nervous or scared about what will be expected of her if she lets you go down on her. She may not be ready to reciprocate, or she may be afraid that she won’t know what to do once she’s presented with your cunt in front of her face.

• Is your girl a victim of sexual abuse or assault? This may be a triggering activity for her and not something that she’ll ever allow you to do.

• Does your girl allow you to touch her cunt with your fingers? If not, she may be stone or mostly stone and simply not want contact there at all.

• Some girls far prefer “giving” over “receiving.” I put those words in quotes because really, giving is receiving in this case. It’s what you want! Sometimes, a little twist on words in that way can be all someone needs in order to allow you to do what you want. If she’s the type that just wants to make you happy, she might feel like she’s being selfish by having you go down on her. Explain that it’s your desire and this type of girl might let you go for it. She needs to know that by spreading her legs, she’s doing what you want and actively doing something to make you happy.

• She may have negative associations. During the course of my research, I discovered a girl who feels that “a big wet thing down there messing around” feels like a cat’s tongue licking her finger. Since she’s not into bestiality, she’s also not into cunnilingus. She feels it is some sort of phobia*. I agree.

• She might feel dirty. If she’s had a hard day at work and it’s been 16 hours since her last shower, she might be embarrassed to have you down there. Try asking her to take a shower with you, and then try it either in the shower or just after.

• Shocking, I know, but some girls just don’t like it. My theory is that such girls have only ever had it done badly and thus just think that they don’t like it, but they’d probably disagree. There are also some girls who have even had the best (moi, of course) and still don’t like it. Sensations feel different to different bodies, and some of us are wired a little funny.

• Does your girl have body issues? She might think that she doesn’t look good “down there” or that her thighs are fat or some other such nonsense. Lots of “You’re so hot, you make me so wet. I want you to come all over my face.” dirty talk might solve this problem.

• There exists the notion, amongst some lesbians, that cunnilingus is a particularly intimate activity and should thus be reserved for after really getting to know someone or falling in love, as opposed to, you know, fucking on the first date (which apparently doesn’t always include oral sex). If your girl is one of these, you just have to wait it out until she feels the feelings that she needs to feel (and maybe until you’ve expressed the endearments that she needs to hear) to allow you to go down on her.

My best advice, however, is to keep talking. You won’t have to do so much guessing if you can get her to tell you what’s up. If all else fails, in vino veritas. Get her tipsy and then talk about it. She might open up a bit more than she otherwise would. You don’t need to remind her of the things that she’s said later. She may have just been too embarrassed to talk about it the whole time, but at least you’ll know what’s going on and what tactics, if any, will work for your situation.

Good luck and best wishes for your journey south!

The Beaver Whisperer

* a phobia being an irrational aversion or fear

Q: I am a femme just coming out and I am only attracted to butches. I may soon date one of the two butches I am talking to now.

With both of them, I have talked about being intimate, because this will be my first time and I want to find out what they may like or not. Because from what I have learned is that some butches do not like to be touched at all when being intimate.

So I asked one if she likes to be on the top or bottom and if she like to be touched. She said she likes the top and that she wants to make love to me. So I think she does not like being touched, she just wants to give me pleasure. She also refers to herself as my TIGER; I wonder what can I expect from a (tiger) butch.

Now the other butch said she likes to have oral sex did to her; that is how far our talk was and I do not know what else she may like, but I will find out before the first kiss. She turns me on so much that I think if we started to have a relationship and she kisses me I don’t know what will happen next. I found it interesting that one butch just wants to give and one wants to give and receive. I have not asked them if they use a strap-on, but I hope so. They both know that this will be my first time being intimate with another woman. Thank you – sorry I wrote so much.  I know the question my sound strange, but I just was wondering how would this type of person may be when making love.

A: Hi there! I’m so pleased that after what I’m sure were some severe Google woes, you decided to come to me, the Beaver Whisperer (AKA The Expert On Just About Everything). Unfortunately, I’m not going to be much help. 

After spending a lot of time poring over tomes of arcane information on the elusive and oft-times considered mythological beaver and even contacting beaverphiles in several exotic locales, I was still unable to come across another living being who had ever heard mention of a tiger beaver, ahem, tiger butch. You’ve got yourself quite the exotic specimen!

If your tiger butch has told you that she wants to be on top (is a top? they’re different) and wants to make love to you, well, I can’t give you any more information than that. I would caution you, however, that just because she’s said that she wants to make love to you, this doesn’t mean that she won’t want to be touched. You can talk to her about this directly or just take things slowly when the time comes and watch and listen to her for clues as to what’s ok and what she wants. Good luck!

If we have any tiger butch readers out there, please, comment! School me on what a tiger butch identity means. I’m intensely curious.

Q: I’m a bit of a newbie to the wonderful world of penetration and I’ve been shopping around for my first lube. Problem is, there are just too many to choose from! What should I be looking for? Are certain ingredients better for certain scenarios?

A: Dear Lube Newb,

You’ve come to the right place. Allow me to introduce you to the slippery world of artificial sexual lubricant. (I assume you’re familiar with the natural kind and coming to realize that sometimes the kind of penetration you and your girl want needs a little extra help with the slip and slide aspect of the game?)

Sex-a-go-go: So, you’ve got your girl pressed up against the wall of the bathroom at Diva’s (or Vixen, or the Oberon, or the Milky Way, but definitely not that awful and not to be named club that makes dykes go in through the back door and only lets them on the top floor), and you need some lube. For this situation, you want a water based lube. Water based lube can be removed with water, so you can go back to the party after you fuck. 

Fuck from dusk til dawn: For longer sessions, you want a silicone based lubricant. Silicone based lubes last longer than water based lubes, so you won’t need to reapply as often. This lube, however, needs to be washed away using soap and water.

Sex Involving Vaginas: NEVER use an oil-based lube. Oil based lubes aren’t designed to maintain the pH balance of the almighty vag, and they can cause yeast infections. They also break down latex, so they make safer sex very difficult. Just say “no” to oil based lube. ”But what about that scene in that movie where they used Crisco?” Crisco (a brand of vegetable shortening) is ok for penises, but it’s not ok for vaginas. Crisco, and other oil-based lubes, prevent the vagina from cleaning itself and it promotes the growth of bacteria. So, if you don’t want your condom or glove to break and you don’t want a yeast infection, no Crisco!

Sex In The Hot Tub Porn Star-Style: If you’re fucking in water, you need a silicone based lube,  as a water based lube will instantly rinse away in the water.

Baby, I want your silicone cock: If you’re fucking with a silicone (or cyber-skin) cock or sex toy, use a water-based lube. The formula in silicone-based lubes can dissolve the surface of a silicone (or cyber-skin) cock or toy and it can disintegrate over time. 

Ass-Play: Try a gel instead of a liquid. A gel is more likely to stay in place during anal play. Be very careful, however, to not use any lube that contains benzocaine or any other numbing agent. Numbing agents mask pain, and during sex, this is bad. If you feel pain (bad pain as opposed to fun pain), you need to be aware of it so that you can change your position or add more lube or stop the activity. Pain is your body’s way of telling you that what’s happening isn’t safe for you.

Now, how do you choose the right lubricant for you? I’m sure you’ve looked at the above situations and recognized those that sound familiar to you. You’ve decided on water based lube or silicone based lube, but which one? There is going to be some trial and error to this process. Some lubes might feel gross or smell gross, and some will feel great and smell or taste good, too. Yay! Jackpot! Most female-owned sex positive toy stores have lube sample bottles that you can try out (on your fingers) and smell. Check out Good Vibrations in Brookline, MA and San Fransisco, Oh My! in Northampton, MA or Wild Hearts in Provincetown, MA.

Some things to watch out for:

1.  Glycerin is an ingredient in many water-based lubes and can cause yeast infections. If you’re prone to yeast infections and you’re using silicone sex toys, try to find a water-based lube that doesn’t contain glycerin.

2.  Oil-based lube: a big no-no for all vaginas. It also breaks down latex.

3.  Don’t use silicone-based lube on a silicone or cyber-skin cock or sex toy.

Recommendations from the Beaver Whisperer’s Bedroom:

Sliquid Silk: This is a hybrid (water/silicone) lube that seems to be safe for silicone sex toys. It lasts a little longer than a water-based lube. It’s a cream, and it’s glycerin-free.

Sliquid Organics (the blue one): This is a water-based lube. It’s also glycerin-free. It’s a little thinner than the Silk. This comes in four scents, and they aren’t labeled, but the labels are different colors. Make sure you smell them first. I did, and this is the only one I liked. Your nose may have other tastes. 

Good luck in your search for your perfect lube!  Update us in the comments when you find one that you like!

Q: First off, I absolutely love your work! You’re informative and hilarious. Unfortunately, I tested positive for genital herpes (HSV 1) two days ago and I’ve been extremely depressed about it. Normally, I’m a very positive person but, this has really made me feel wicked shitty. Obviously, I did the responsible thing and contacted all my partners fortunately, only myself and the woman who infected me were affected. Right now, I’m trying to come to terms with being single, 21, queer, and having genital herpes for the rest of my life.

Is it possible for you to write an entry on STIs, dating with STIs, and proper queer safe sex techniques? 

A: If consent is sexy, informed consent is even sexier. Unfortunately, our partners don’t always care to or know to inform us of their STI status in advance of playtime so that we can make informed decisions about our sexual health. While at the lowest risk for STIs of any sexually active group, lesbians have got to also be the worst at practicing safe sex. We all know what we’re supposed to do, or at least we think we do, but we rarely do it.  

If we are having sex (digital, oral, or anal) with someone with whom we are not in a long term sexually monogamous relationship where we’ve both been tested for STIs at least twice, we should be practicing safer sex.  

Testing for STIs more than once is important. Some STIs have latency periods, meaning that you may have been infected, but the infection won’t show up yet on an STI screening. So, even if you’re clean on your first test after becoming monogamous, you still want to use barrier protection until you and your partner have both been screened a second time at least 3-6 months later and are still found to be infection free.  

What does safer sex look like for lesbians who don’t want to pass HSV 1 (oral herpes) or HSV 2 (genital herpes) to their partners? The first step is to recognize that we need to practice safer sex. 46% of lesbians (so assume 46% of the women that you will sleep with) have oral herpes, and 7.9% have genital herpes.  

First, let’s talk about how to protect ourselves when we don’t know that our partner is infected (or when she’s not having an outbreak). In some cases, it’s essentially “the price of admission to the party” (to quote Dan Savage, whom I adore). Oral herpes can be spread by kissing, and short of foregoing it, there’s no safer sex practice that I can think of to help out with this. If you know your partner is infected, you can avoid kissing her while she has sores or lesions (think cold sores) on or around her mouth. However, she is still infectious the rest of the time, and that hot femme you met last night on okcupid might not even know that she was infected by the hot butch she met last week.  

Genital herpes can be spread through oral sex; use a dental dam or split a condom or latex glove in half and use it as a dental dam. It can also be spread through grinding, scissoring, or any other term you want to use for mashing your cunt up against hers. In this situation, I recommend saran wrap (and not the kind with the holes for use in the microwave!). It, or sheets of latex that you can find at kink-friendly retailers, is about the only thing that will cover enough surface area to offer any protection. Both oral and genital herpes can be spread through the sharing of sex toys. Use condoms on dildos and vibrators and change the condom every time you change who the toy is being used on. This does not have to be unsexy – just keep a pile of condoms by the bed and take turns picking them out and putting them on. When it becomes a sexual habit, it becomes just a part of sex.

If you know that you or your partner is infected with herpes, taking medication to suppress outbreaks can help to protect the uninfected partner, but it should not replace barrier safety.

Now that I’ve given you the medical details, it’s onto being 21, single, and dating while knowing you’re infected with a virus that nobody wants. It’s here that I really invite our readers to chime in because as an HSV-negative femme, I can only relay what I’ve heard and offer advice that may or may not be useful. If you are living, dating, and fucking with HSV, please comment and tell us what you wish you’d known when you were first diagnosed.

My advice is to be yourself. You are still the same awesome and worthy person that you were before you were infected. Give girls the chance to get to know you before you inform them of your status, but make sure you inform them before you’re in bed. We all know that we make bad decisions when we’re wet and waiting. Inform your partner in a neutral setting. This means that you will probably not be having sex on the first date anymore, but such is life.  

In some communities, like the kink community, up-front fully informed consent is expected with people that you might not know very well. If you’re kinky, people might not be so surprised to hear about your status in this setting. If you are meeting girls through more mainstream channels, just let them get to know you first. Herpes sucks, but it’s also something that you can live with, and if a girl falls in love with you, she may be willing to live with it, too. It’s a big deal, but you’re aren’t dying. A “hey, I really like you, so there’s something I need to let you know. I’m HSV-positive, and I hope that’s something that we can work around together” over a nice dinner might go over a little better than a quiet room and a “we have to talk.” If you treat it like something that she should be able to deal with rather than something that you don’t expect her to even want to try to deal with, she might be a little more willing to try.  

 Good luck!