About The Beaver Whisperer

Advice from somebody who knows her way around a beaver.

The Beaver Whisperer and the Red Hot Repartee

A: How can I get more dirty talk from my femme?

B: There is really only one answer to this question: ask her. Be aware, though, that there are a multitude of reasons why some people aren’t able to produce dirty talk during sex. If you’re lucky, though, all your femme needs is a little desire and some permission. Once she knows you want it, she’ll be all over it, and you.

If your femme is of the more reluctant persuasion, you can try to model the dirty talk that you want to hear from her. At first, just try to get her to answer in the affirmative to dirty questions that you can give her.  You can progress to getting her to repeat things that you say. From there, you can give her more open-ended dirty questions and hope to hear the dirty responses that you crave. After all of this, if it’s in her to do it, your femme will be better prepared to talk dirty for you all night long. Good luck!

The Beaver Whisperer and the Back Door Discussion

Q: How can a butch approach a femme about anal sex?

A: Anal sex is one of those things that usually has people at either extreme. Girls love it or they hate it, but almost no one is ambivalent about it.

Like all situations involving a new sexual activity, the easiest way to find out if you can try something new is to ask. You could just ask her if she wants to try anal with you. If you fear a look of shock and disgust in response, you could try a slower and more nonverbal method. Next time you and your femme are naked and happy together, touch her ass more than usual. Be very conscious as you do this and gauge her response. If she likes what you’re doing, go closer to her anus. As long as she’s enjoying what’s happening, you can bring yourself all the way to touching but not entering her anus. Make sure she knows how hot you think this is. Tell her exactly how hot you think this is. Feel free to even express your desires about further anal activity.

One possibility is that this is exactly what she’s been waiting to hear and she’ll encourage you right away. Another possibility is that she’s going to enjoy what is happening while trying to pretend that she didn’t hear that. In the case of the latter, don’t push it. After you’ve both enjoyed your orgasms and are calm and relaxed, you can bring it up again. This is a less threatening scenario, because no one is trying to get off. You can tell her again how hot you thought playing with her ass was and how much you would like to try anal sex with her. Listen to what she has to say. If she has fears, listen to her, acknowledge her fears, and address them if you can. Hopefully, the combination of liking what was done so far and knowing how much you want it will lead your lady to enter the well-lubed world of anal sex with you. Good luck!

The Beaver Whisperer and the Oral Obstacle

Q: I am not able to orgasm from receiving head.  I enjoy it immensely, but am unable to cum from tongue action alone. My partners in the past become frustrated with this inability of mine and have put the deed on the “never again list.” I tell them I really enjoy it, but because of the lack of a explosive ending I get denied. What can I say or do to have cunnilingus back in my sex life?

A: I am so sorry for the way that you’ve been treated by your not-quite-up-to-standard butches! You have my sympathy. Any butch worth the title (any dyke, or really, even any sexually active human) ought to realize that we don’t all get off the same way. In fact, sometimes our favorite acts never lead directly to orgasm.

Most women need direct clitoral stimulation in order to reach orgasm, but just because we’ve had this drilled into our heads by every venue from MTV’s Loveline (am I dating myself?) and its corresponding radio show to the longstanding sex advice columnist extraordinaire (of both print and podcast fame) Dan Savage, doesn’t mean that every woman will get off through clitoral stimulation or through clitoral stimulation alone.

Here are a few different cunnilinguistic scenarios to share with your butches if they haven’t tried them in the past. (And I invite all of our readers to add ideas of your own in the comments!)

Oral Sex Tips

1. Tongue Fucking: Instead of focusing solely on the clitoris, fuck the vaginal canal with your tongue, literally. Push your tongue inside as far as it will go and repeat, indefinitely. For many people, this is actually more psychological than it is much of a physical sensation, but you’ll often need your mind in the right place in order to reach orgasm.

2. Suck Her Cock, er, Clit: Instead of just flicking or circling your tongue against or around the clitoris, suck the whole thing into your mouth and go at it the same way you want your femme to suck your cock. Butches tend to love this, BTW, but a lot of femmes get off on it, too.

3. Combo Clit Vaginal Moan, er, Orgasm: Fuck your femme with your fingers (as many as she likes) while you are enthusiastically licking, flicking, circling, or sucking her clitoris with your tongue. Find the tongue motion that she likes, then add finger fucking.

What does make you orgasm? Choose any of those activities and then have your butch do them while going down on you. You’ll orgasm while getting head, which is what she seems to want, and you’ll get head and an orgasm, even though the head is not directly causing the orgasm.

If you’re stuck in the position where your butch has already put cunnilingus on the “never again” list and thus don’t know how to get her to try any of my (and hopefully our) helpful suggestions, stick to your guns. There is no excuse for not going down on your girl, whether she cums from it or not. Tell your butch I said so. Tell her what you want in bed, and expect to get it. You can also offer a trade. Choose an act that she wants that you’re not that into, and offer her a swap. If there aren’t any that you’re not into (you fantastic femme, you!), choose her favorite and offer her the trade. I can’t imagine a butch (who is worth your time) who wouldn’t comply.

I wish you many happy orgasms and much luck on your cunnilinguistic journey!

The Beaver Whisperer

The Beaver Whisperer and the Dyke Bar Blues

Q: What’s the best way to approach a lady in a bar setting? I’m lucky enough to live in a town with an awesome dyke bar (The Lexington in San Francisco), but don’t have the nerve/courage/confidence to make the first move. What are some techniques?

A: Truth be told, I have never been approached in a bar setting. I’m not that sure that it actually happens with any regularity in reality. Most people tend to go to the bar with their friends, and not as much intermingling happens as you might think. However, I do know what I’d like, so here you go.

When it comes to nerve, courage, and confidence, you have to take a deep breath and suck it up, buttercup.

If you see a girl who strikes your fancy, just walk up to her. Say “hi.” Ask her to dance (if it’s a club and not just a bar). Feel free to tell her what it was that attracted you to her – just be wary of saying anything that resembles a cheesy pick up line. It is OK to ask her if you can buy her a drink, but just don’t let that be the first thing out of your mouth. Let her finish the one she has first, or if you’re dancing, ask if you can buy her a drink after dancing and then find a quieter spot to actually talk to her. Pay attention to her, focus your attention on her. Make her feel happy that you’re there. Spend the rest of the night hanging out with her (do not focus on several girls at once!). If you leave first, ask for her number. If she leaves first, offer to wait for her cab with her or walk her to her car (make sure she’s sober!) or public transit stop. Be a gentlebutch! If you get her number, do call her the next day. Do ask her out to dinner. Do at least attempt to pay for dinner.

Good luck and happy hunting!

The Beaver Whisperer and the Down South Dilemma

Q: I’ve never gone down on a girl. I want to. How can I get my partner to open up to the idea of it? I’d start heading south, and she’d make me detour north. I tried talking to her about it, and she just said she didn’t want to. I, of course, respected her wishes because consent is sexy…but I feel like I’m missing out.

Lori

A: Dear Lori,

Going down on a girl is a joy that no dyke should be left out of. However, there is the rare girl that doesn’t want it for one reason or another. In truth, you kind of have to respect your girl’s wishes. That said, there are alternative tactics depending on your situation.

  • Is your girl as inexperienced as you are? She may just be nervous and need more time before she’s ready to try that particular activity. Does she go down on you? If not, she might be nervous or scared about what will be expected of her if she lets you go down on her. She may not be ready to reciprocate, or she may be afraid that she won’t know what to do once she’s presented with your cunt in front of her face.
  • Is your girl a victim of sexual abuse or assault? This may be a triggering activity for her and not something that she’ll ever allow you to do.
  • Does your girl allow you to touch her cunt with your fingers? If not, she may be stone or mostly stone and simply not want contact there at all.
  • Some girls far prefer “giving” over “receiving.” I put those words in quotes because really, giving is receiving in this case. It’s what you want! Sometimes, a little twist on words in that way can be all someone needs in order to allow you to do what you want. If she’s the type that just wants to make you happy, she might feel like she’s being selfish by having you go down on her. Explain that it’s your desire and this type of girl might let you go for it. She needs to know that by spreading her legs, she’s doing what you want and actively doing something to make you happy.
  • She may have negative associations. During the course of my research, I discovered a girl who feels that “a big wet thing down there messing around” feels like a cat’s tongue licking her finger. Since she’s not into bestiality, she’s also not into cunnilingus. She feels it is some sort of phobia*. I agree.
  • She might feel dirty. If she’s had a hard day at work and it’s been 16 hours since her last shower, she might be embarrassed to have you down there. Try asking her to take a shower with you, and then try it either in the shower or just after.
  • Shocking, I know, but some girls just don’t like it. My theory is that such girls have only ever had it done badly and thus just think that they don’t like it, but they’d probably disagree. There are also some girls who have even had the best (moi, of course) and still don’t like it. Sensations feel different to different bodies, and some of us are wired a little funny.
  • Does your girl have body issues? She might think that she doesn’t look good “down there” or that her thighs are fat or some other such nonsense. Lots of “You’re so hot, you make me so wet. I want you to come all over my face.” dirty talk might solve this problem.
  • There exists the notion, amongst some lesbians, that cunnilingus is a particularly intimate activity and should thus be reserved for after really getting to know someone or falling in love, as opposed to, you know, fucking on the first date (which apparently doesn’t always include oral sex). If your girl is one of these, you just have to wait it out until she feels the feelings that she needs to feel (and maybe until you’ve expressed the endearments that she needs to hear) to allow you to go down on her.

My best advice, however, is to keep talking. You won’t have to do so much guessing if you can get her to tell you what’s up. If all else fails, in vino veritas. Get her tipsy and then talk about it. She might open up a bit more than she otherwise would. You don’t need to remind her of the things that she’s said later. She may have just been too embarrassed to talk about it the whole time, but at least you’ll know what’s going on and what tactics, if any, will work for your situation.

Good luck and best wishes for your journey south!

The Beaver Whisperer

* a phobia being an irrational aversion or fear

The Beaver Whisperer and the Gender Presentation Speculation

Q: Dear Almighty Beaver Whisperer,

Some background: I have been out for about a year, and have only had one serious relationship. So I’m fairly inexperienced. I would say that I’m masculine of center, but will femme it up on a regular basis. So here is my question:

I feel like I don’t have a clear place where I sit on the spectrum of femme to butch. I work in a male dominated field, so I’m often required to do “butch” things like build things and paint and carry heavy things. I feel totally comfortable doing that. Then when I wear a dress or something with ruffles, it draws a lot of attention, which then makes me feel uncomfortable. I don’t want to pick, I like being able to do both. How can I feel more comfortable in my own skin in regards to presentation?

Thanks for everything you do. I do love reading your blog!

xoxo,
L

A: Dear L,

Butch and femme aren’t your only options. Not every dyke is clearly butch or femme, and neither do they want to be. You don’t have to make any decisions or try to be something that you’re not. You also don’t have to be a butch in order to date a femme, nor do you have to be a femme in order to date a butch. That said, there are many people who identify as “soft butches” who regularly wear women’s clothing and even some make-up while still feeling masculine of center. This may be where you fit in, but don’t try to force anything.

I’m a femme, and I have worked jobs where I’ve had to paint, load/unload, set up, and break down heavy equipment. I’ve built things, and I’ve worn a unisex uniform. None of these things made me butch. Butch and femme aren’t what you do, they’re who you are.

When you are dressed up in a dress or something with ruffles, and you draw attention, is it the attention itself that makes you uncomfortable or is it what people are seeing you in? What would you choose to wear if you wanted to look fabulous, but only for yourself, if no one else was going to see you?

You say that you don’t want to pick and that you like being able to do both. That’s great! You don’t have to pick and you do get to do both! Feeling comfortable in your own skin is an often difficult goal to reach. There are all sorts of reasons beyond gender presentation why this can be difficult. The best advice that I can give you is to continue presenting only in ways that you are comfortable with and be proud of who you are, even if you’re not sure who that is yet. If there’s something that you want to try wearing, try it. If you like it, keep it. If you don’t, donate it. It can be a long road to find the style that works best for both your body and your soul. You are fabulous, now don’t you forget it!

I’m glad you love the blog. I love being a columnist for Bren and Buzz Cuts and Bustiers. She’s a great boss, but she doesn’t pay me enough (read: anything). ;) It’s ok – as long as we have readers like you, I’ll keep working for free!

The Beaver Whisperer and the Mythological Tiger Butch

Q: I am a femme just coming out and I am only attracted to butches. I may soon date one of the two butches I am talking to now.

With both of them, I have talked about being intimate, because this will be my first time and I want to find out what they may like or not. Because from what I have learned is that some butches do not like to be touched at all when being intimate.

So I asked one if she likes to be on the top or bottom and if she like to be touched. She said she likes the top and that she wants to make love to me. So I think she does not like being touched, she just wants to give me pleasure. She also refers to herself as my TIGER; I wonder what can I expect from a (tiger) butch.

Now the other butch said she likes to have oral sex did to her; that is how far our talk was and I do not know what else she may like, but I will find out before the first kiss. She turns me on so much that I think if we started to have a relationship and she kisses me I don’t know what will happen next. I found it interesting that one butch just wants to give and one wants to give and receive. I have not asked them if they use a strap-on, but I hope so. They both know that this will be my first time being intimate with another woman. Thank you – sorry I wrote so much.  I know the question my sound strange, but I just was wondering how would this type of person may be when making love.

A: Hi there! I’m so pleased that after what I’m sure were some severe Google woes, you decided to come to me, the Beaver Whisperer (AKA The Expert On Just About Everything). Unfortunately, I’m not going to be much help. 

After spending a lot of time poring over tomes of arcane information on the elusive and oft-times considered mythological beaver and even contacting beaverphiles in several exotic locales, I was still unable to come across another living being who had ever heard mention of a tiger beaver, ahem, tiger butch. You’ve got yourself quite the exotic specimen!

If your tiger butch has told you that she wants to be on top (is a top? they’re different) and wants to make love to you, well, I can’t give you any more information than that. I would caution you, however, that just because she’s said that she wants to make love to you, this doesn’t mean that she won’t want to be touched. You can talk to her about this directly or just take things slowly when the time comes and watch and listen to her for clues as to what’s ok and what she wants. Good luck!

If we have any tiger butch readers out there, please, comment! School me on what a tiger butch identity means. I’m intensely curious.